I could hear her but I couldn't see her. That just lead to more doubt as to what was happening. I was beginning to get headaches, lacked focus, and started not to sleep well. I would wake up several times during the night for no apparent reason. She was taking me to the brink of exhaustion.
Most of the time she would just ramble; talking just to talk and not saying anything important or worthwhile enough to listen too. However, there where times she would scream at me. It was deafening and made my ears ring. It felt like she was right on top of me. She would scream "TALK TO ME!" "ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME!?!.
Since no one else could hear her, I thought it was my imagination or worse some kind of mental disorder. I was agitated on a daily basis and just couldn't focus any longer. It was difficult to remain calm and my anxiety level was off the charts. I didn't talk to anyone about it because I didn't want to be admitted to a mental hospital. What was strange was I could only hear her when I was at home.
One night while laying in bed, she whispered, "why are you ignoring me?" "Please tell me, I am without words and scared". I felt that I should finally talk back and answered, "because I don't like you, you scare me and I want you to leave me alone."
All of the sudden, her screams and chatty behavior started to fade. I could still hear her but she wasn't as loud. I couldn't make out what she was saying anymore but I could tell that she was very angry. Finally, I stopped hearing her altogether. The voice stopped.
The experience of hearing her, and then it stopping after I focused on getting rid of it, made question my mental health. I was still anxious, irritable, and exhausted. It was hard to focus on my job and just on life in general. Things I enjoyed doing I no longer enjoyed. Either because I didn't have the energy to do them or just because I was in so much pain.
The pain started shortly after I got her to stop talking to me. It started slowly but then escalated into a debilitating issue. Every joint on my body hurt. My fingers hurt so bad that I could barely type (I'm a recruiter so I make my living in front of a laptop), my neck hurt so bad that I could barely turn it, my back was in such pain that I could barely walk, sit down comfortably, or God forbid...sleep. There were nights that I was in such pain that I prayed not to wake up.
There was no rhyme or reason for what was happening. I was in decent shape and had no major health issues at all. As I was trying to get comfortable one night, I heard her again, softly whispering in my ear. "You can toss, you can turn, but you will never be comfortable again. I will make you come to me. I can make it all stop. All you have to do is come to me." The bitch was back and was now attacking me!
Jennifer was getting frustrated with me because she wanted me to go to the doctor but I refused. I began to self medicate myself...ice, Advil, trying to stretch out my joints and muscles, hell even alcohol. All this only brought me temporary relief. Finally, I had enough and broke down and went to the doctor. I wouldn't tell him about the crazy chick but I would talk to him about my anxiety, pain, and inability to sleep. After a half-ass examination and him telling me "well, welcome to old age.", he put me on Zoloft and Meloxicam. Despite me telling him all my aches and pains, especially my back, he only wanted to x-ray my little finger. The visit was a waste of time and did nothing but frustrate me and drive me deeper into a state of hopelessness.
I started the medicine and the Zoloft helped somewhat and the Meloxicam didn't really help at all. I could hear her laughing quietly, like she had done something mischievous. The last thing I heard her say to me before I finally was able to block her out was, "all the elixirs in the world will not help. I am your only remedy."
I was being attacked or going crazy. Hard to tell which one but it felt like both.